Stop The Flow

Proverbs 10



Oh, mamas!



So true confessions: I chose this verse for purely selfish reasons. My mouth, my words, my indiscretion, my expressed thoughtlessness are things I have always struggled with, since the dawn of my time.



My grandma is in town and my kids are thrilled to be around Great-Grandma Peddie. Last night they had to put on a “Crazy Circus” for her. As they hammed it up for her doing funny tricks and telling funny jokes, I made the fatal mistake of saying, “I don’t know where they get this from.” She and my mom both looked at me like I was insane and exclaimed at the same time, “We do!” Ego. Struck. Dead. HAA!



I actually “love” this verse because it is WHAT I need to do. It’s not what I do…but it’s what I NEED to do. So, let’s unpack it, if for no one else’s benefit but mine! Hee!!



Proverbs 10:19



“Don’t talk too much, for it fosters sin. Be sensible and turn off the flow!”



Let’s make the fair assumption that this verse was written for us, girls. With our word capacity being 24,000 words a day, compared to our men’s 12,000, I think we can safely say it’s our verbal flow that is in need of stoppage.



Obviously, simple talking does not equate sin. Communication is necessary for our existence, and the Lord knows that. I remember reading in O Magazine about a man who lived in silence for 16 years! I laughed when reading it because, of course, it was a MAN living in silence for a woman would never make that sacrifice! HEE!



But this verse addresses the excessive talking that we easily engage in. It’s this talking that becomes counterproductive to the purpose of real talking is designed to do. It becomes harmful, hurtful, sharp, and self-centered. Ultimately it is what is said in the excess that can create sin!



5 Ways Talking Can Turn Into Sin:



1.Gossip:


We girls love having the inside scoop, don’t we? If we didn’t, magazines like People, InTouch, Us Weekly, and internet sites like PerezHilton.com would have no one to read them, and would cease to exist.



We love knowing things that are none of our business. We even thrive on analyzing other people’s choices and misery, giving our own lives a false sense of stability and validation that comes from comparing.



But what’s worse is in moments of weakness we easily spread information about the people we love and adore to others who should not be in possession of their information. This in itself is an obvious violation of trust.



The Excuses We Use:



-“It’s a prayer request.” We gossip under the false pretense we want others to pray for our friends. Then we convince ourselves that in order to do so, others need to know all the sordid details of their short-comings and circumstances. This happens all the time, especially in Christian circles.



-“It’s not that big of a deal.” Their problems aren’t that tragic, so it’s not a big deal if others know. However, it may be a big deal to the person who shared with you.

- “I’ll just tell one person, that’s it.” We fool ourselves thinking if we just tell one person, they won’t turn around and “just tell one more person.” Safely assume that when you tell someone something, they in turn will tell someone else. We should know this after playing Operator at some point in our lives!





Rules of Sensibility:



- If someone has shared something with you in confidence, don’t tell anyone else unless you have her permission to share with a specific person.

- If you feel there is another person who could help her more than you (wiser, older woman), again, ask her permission before you tell her story. This intention would be to get your friend in contact with the older, wiser woman…and for you to step out of that relationship. Remember, it is her story to tell.

- If, and ONLY if, you know blatantly this person is a danger to herself or those around her, you may report her story to the proper authorities. This is done out of love for your friend and looking out for her immediate health and best interest of her family.



2.Inappropriate Sharing of Personal Information:


We do this all the time to our hubbies and the state of our marriages. We get together with a bunch of girlfriends and divulge every detail of our married life. It’s sad, because in most instances, our husbands do not come out as winners. More than likely it’s a man-bashing festival of great proportions. And if you don’t bash, then you’re seen as an outsider or a do-gooder.



The sin is in the violation of the bond of marriage…the love and respect that we share with our spouse is shot to pieces when we air our dirty laundry without concern for how our hubbies come out looking like in the end.



Excuses We Use:



- “I’m just telling the truth.” Unfortunately the truth is solely from our perspective and more than likely vindicates us from playing any part of the relationship.

- “I am just sharing.” “Sharing” includes all of my experiences, which includes all of HIS experiences…his good and his bad.

- “I get caught up in what my friends are talking about.” If they’re all bashing their hubbies, then I want to jump in. All in the spirit of camaraderie.

- “I share to make her feel better about her marriage.” She has it worse than me, and I don’t want her to feel alone, so I chime in.



Rules of Sensibility:



- Pretend your hubby is in the room listening to your conversation. Would he be embarrassed, uncomfortable, angry, or sad? If the answer is yes to any of these, you need to stop the flow.

- Would he ever want to be around these “friends” of yours, knowing what they know? If the answer is “no” then you need to stop “sharing.”

- If you really want advice on your marriage, then you need to share what YOU struggle with and what YOU want to change. Do not ask your friends about what HE can change…for YOU can only change YOU. If chosen wisely, your friends will support and encourage you to make the changes to enhance your part in the marriage. They will even cheer you on towards His glory for your relationship!



3.Too Wordy:


Have you ever been around a 4-year-old little girl who just talks with no point, no purpose, no rhyme or reason…just to hear her own voice? I actually live with one, so I know this from first-hand experience.



When we aren’t generally controlling the flow from our mouths, not only do we lose discretion over the kinds of words that come from our lips, but we lose discretion over the amount of words we use. All of a sudden the flow has no valves to stop it. We just talk and talk and talk.



The unfortunate thing is that the first place where the Lord wants to mold and renew us as His daughters, is in our thoughts. If we do not give enough attention and time to sift through our thoughts and put them through His filter, then what leaves our mouths is not of Him. When we speak without thinking, it is not honoring to the Lord.



Excuses We Use:



- “I just didn’t think.” It’s always after the fact that you think. You didn’t think before you spoke. You just spoke. But the problem with words is that you cannot take them back. And very rarely can you undo them, unless forgiveness is granted.

- “This is the way I am. I speak my mind.” Well then, eventually you will be very lonely…or you will be living with very unhappy people. Promise.



Rules of Sensibility:



- If you think something, wait 30 seconds. In those 30 seconds, test your thoughts through God’s truth, the truth of the situation, and the truth of the person in the scenario. Remember, your perspective is not truth.

- Ask yourself what the consequence will be if you voice your thought and then weigh f the result is worth it. If not, then don’t say anything and let it go.

- Ask yourself WHY you would voice your thought. What are you expecting to accomplish? If it’s nothing positive, then don’t say anything.

- If you are simply trying to fill the silence, turn on music or start reciting Bible verses. Fill the silence with something more wise than your own unfiltered thoughts.





4.Criticism:


I think as women sometimes we get in the “mother knows best” rut and then feel we have to voice every critical comment that comes to our mind. We don’t care whose spirit we step all over, we are “called” to critique and fix anything someone else is doing wrong.



There is no filter of what is important and what is not, for you see it as all important. From the shoes that don’t match, to the way he sings with the radio, to the way your hubby feeds the kids, to the way your son puts the cap on the toothpaste, to the way the school sends home notices, to the way your friend drives…criticism can eat your heart alive. Have you ever noticed that it can get worse around that time of month?



In addition to the consuming negativity of your criticism on your own heart, your criticism also destroys the lives of those we love. I was listening to Dr. Laura on the radio and a lady called crying hysterically because she was very critical with her husband and kids. Dr. Laura asked why and she said, “That’s the way my mom was. She loved us through her criticism.” How warped is that? Criticism is not love.



Constructive criticism is totally different than the harsh, no-holds-bar criticism some of us “offer”. The people who are the victims of our criticism tend to be our amazing hubbies and innocent little ones. With our words, we can trample hopes, dreams, joy, and happiness. We create an atmosphere of fear and walking on egg-shells. As women of the Lord, we are called to be more thoughtful than this.



Excuses We Use:



- “It is wrong and I have to say something.” Something may be wrong in your opinion, but not in the moral or spiritual sense of wrong.

- “I’m the mother, that’s why.” We tend to believe that our opinion is not to be questioned. We were placed by God to be your god, right? Wrong.

- “It’s the truth.” Criticism is truth packaged in nastiness. Criticism is truth without concern for the heart or for the well-being of the person. Criticism is the thing that will destroy the hope in any relationship.



Rules of Sensibility:



- If someone said what you are going to say to you, would you be offended? If yes, then don’t say it. (And be honest. Your skin is not that thick! Promise!)

- Determine if this is a mountain or a molehill. If it’s a molehill, then let it go. If it’s a mountain then don’t address it until you can communicate with kindness.

- Take a deep breath and then take into account the person’s heart and list five good things about them in your mind. This will help reshape your frame of mind and lessen the frustration. Revisit the criticism, rephrase it with love, and then MOVE ON .

- Forgive. When you forgive, you lighten your heart. You allow joy to enter your life, and somehow criticisms will not pop into your mind as easily.



5.Self-Centered:


Have you ever been in conversation with a person who never asks you about you…who never shows an interest in your interests…or who isn’t concerned with you? I’ve had friendships like that in the past. And let me say, that those friendships don’t last very long. I was actually once friends with a woman who, when she had something to say, would just talk right over me without waiting for me to finish. What on earth, right? Don’t we learn in preschool to listen?



But in turn, we women have a hard time listening to our own hubbies, especially when we have so much to say ourselves. No wonder they feel as though they can never get a word in edge-wise. We’re too busy going on and on about our day, our thoughts, our emotions, our complaints, to listen to our men. And we don’t even need him to prompt us to talk. We just do it.



Excuses We Use:



- We have no excuse, for we are so self-absorbed we don’t even know we need an excuse.



Rules of Sensibility:



- If you realize you have fallen into this habit, make it a point to initiate the conversation by being the FIRST to ask the other person a question.

- Be sensitive to the other person, reading body language, eye contact, and general interest in the conversation.

- If the person is uninterested, reevaluate the purpose of the conversation, get to the point faster, ask if there would be a better time to talk, or drop it all together.

- Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. When Cliff has a hard day at work, he’s not so apt to ask me about my day, nor want to hear a minute-by-minute blow-by-blow account for my day with the kiddos. In those times I remember his saying, “Just the news, not the weather.” This helps me to decide what he HAS to know to function, and what he doesn’t. If we talk too much then all our men will hear is “wah-wah-wah” like Charlie Brown and his teacher. When our hubbies turn off their ears, then we lose the ability to touch our hubby’s heart.

- Be quick to listen. Slow to speak.

- Be other oriented. Make sure you are tending to other’s needs first before your own. This will change everything about your relationships.



I am challenged in all areas. But I am excited! It’s when we are equipped that we can move forward. Girls! We can do this! Because self-control is a fruit of the Spirit…we are all capable through the strength of the Lord. He wants to use our words to spur on our loved ones’ hearts and minds towards Him. But it all starts with us.



I pray that today, you bite your tongue when you don’t want to…you think before you speak…and you find ways to be an encourager for your spouse, your children, and your friends. I will be doing the same.



Here's to stopping the flow!!



With love and complete respect!