True Friendships

Good early morning, ladies!

I hope you slept well, your kiddos slept well, and you woke up with a renewed sense of being!

Sometimes I hate sleep, only because I can get so much more done if I limit my time snoozing in bed! I'll admit that I see sleep as a necessary evil! Haaa! My sister-in-law however would argue that there is nothing better in the world than to sleep a good 12 to 14 hours. In her defense, she doesn't have any children, so I'll let her believe that sleep's her best friend. Hee! But I couldn't do that if I tried. I was never ever like that, even as a teen. (go back and make parallel to the paragraph below)

In the same token, I know that I have to spend time alone in the Word and with my Lord to feel equally refreshed! Sometimes its done out of a task that needs to be crossed off the list...and that's when I end my time with the Lord and immediately whip around and yell at my kids. For true devotions are spent when you devote your whole mind, heart, soul to be RENEWED by Him. Much like sleep is necessary for our bodies, so His Word is necessary for our hearts, minds, and souls.

Sometime today, curl up in the couch with a blanket, a cup of coffee, for a little uninterrupted time (notice I didn't say quiet, because in most of our homes, quiet is not possible) to dig deep in His Word. Take out the Proverbs of the day, read it, underline things that stand out to you, choose a verse to memorize, and pray over it as you commit it to memory. The fruit of that 10-15 minutes spent in His Word will amaze you.

I think so many of us reach the end of our day and wonder what we have to show for it except a string of blow-ups (whether aggressively or passive aggressively) creating emotional havoc. But more times than not, when we rest in His Word first, the atmosphere in our home is markedly more calm, peaceful, patient. For me, His Word has made more difference than a cup of coffee (how many of us make it a point to stop every morning at Starbucks but can't crack open our Bibles?), than a shower (I can yell equally as loud with clean hair as with dirty), than a clean home (this is just a facade that makes me feel as though I'm in control), than happy, compliant children (they're probably not happy nor compliant because I have crushed their spirits along the way); because the Word of God changes us from the inside out. It's not a supplemental vitamin we try to take daily, but instead we should see it as the main meal in order for our heart to find balance and His perspective.

Try it. And see what happens. See if your hubby notices. See if your home is more peaceful. See if your heart notices things that it never noticed before. See if you're more aware of His hand during your day. Dare to see things from His perspective; to breathe; breathe deep; let go of your human frailty; and to rise again in His strength. For we are to put off what is old, and put on what is new. (Scripture) That's my challenge for you and me today!

Proverbs 22

24 Don't befriend angry people
or associate with hot-tempered people,
25 or you will learn to be like them
and endanger your soul.


I used to teach 6th grade in a private school in my pre-kids life, and I loved every moment of it! Some of you dread the time when you're kiddos are pre-teens, but let me assure you that sixth graders are a blast! Not only are the hilariously funny, but their brains are actually learning to think...not just because you told them to, but because they are genuinely trying to get a grasp on the world that is around them and their place in that world. I owe much of my wisdom to the parents' of my students, all of my parenting style to them (because I knew what children I wanted my kids to be like, and then peppered the mom with parenting questions...let's call it the "Schaumloeffel Institute of Parenting Research!" HAA!), and much of my sanity to those who have walked before me. (As a bit of a rabbit trail, let me say that I learned because my heart was open and I wanted the end result.)

One of the things I learned was the importance of friends and the parents' understanding of the influence of friends' in their children's lives. Some of my students were moving to public schools after 6th grade and parents would ask me how to keep their "little" ones from getting sucked into the vortex of worldliness. One of the most important things I would tell them was to know who were their child's friends.

Why? Because those friends have the ability to encourage your child on the right path or to derail them faster than anything.

As this verse 24-25 says, "if you hang out with corrupt people, you too will become corrupt, and it will ruin your soul" (paraphrased by me to take it to a broader concept). It's not just the angry, but the defiant, rebellious, depressed, withdrawn, self-labeled "social outcasts," arrogant, unyielding, disrespectful, unkind, and the unloving. Any of those can rub off on our babies, whatever their age, and it is our job to be the defender of our babies' hearts.

But what about our own friendships? What about the people we allow into the inner-courts of our hearts? What are they encouraging us to do? What traits of theirs are rubbing off on us? Is the friendship supporting your life's purpose? Are your choices encouraged by the friendship? Are you uplifted when you leave your friend? Or are you even more crabby, cranky, dissatisfied, negative, critical when you return home?

We may not be pre-teen sixth graders, but as women, our hearts are just as vulnerable to those we spend the most time with. For they are the ones who can keep us on track or derail us!

Proverbs 13:20 Walk with the wise and become wise;
associate with fools and get in trouble.

Let's look closely at the typical "friends" we may have that suck the life we truly desire right out of us:

1. The Crab:

For this poor gal, everything is interpreted through the negative "glass is 1/2 empty" view. She gripes, complains, whines, and even throws tantrums because her life is not what she ever wanted. She's more busy pointing the finger at others in self-righteous blame, than to realize she can change everything.

You become friends with her because her sarcasm, at first, is funny and revealing. But the more you get to know her you realize the unhappiness and unrest is deep-seeded and toxic. You find yourself absorbing her cynicism, going home and being critical, noticing things that never bothered you before, being vocal when you know it is not productive, causing the strife in your home to be on the rise, which is directly counter-productive to what the Lord calls you to do.

If you think you will change her, you won't. But she will cloud your vision.

Ecclesiastes 7:9 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit,
for anger resides in the lap of fools.


2. The Flirt:

This the woman, that if married, is quite unsatisfied and finds the attention with other men and in social circles that put her fidelity at risk falsely fulfilling. If not married, then she is constantly out and about, flirting, hooking-up, collecting men on her journey. She is most likely attractive, fun, and effervescent. You are drawn to her, just like everyone else, because of this, but what you soon realize is that all this bubbly flirtation is hiding a lonely heart. A heart that is not loved by anyone, not even herself.

To be with her, you must join her escapades. If you're not fun, she doesn't want to be with you. You'll be a downer to her state of euphoria. She will avoid having coffee with you in an intimate, get-down-to-the-heart conversation because she doesn't want to get down to the bottom of anything. She avoids as a defense mechanism.

But to put yourself in her world is dangerous. It can be exciting, thrilling, and even titillating, especially if you are living in your sweats, talking to 3-year-olds all day long, and then at war with your hubby when he gets home. The unhappiness can breed contempt for the life you are called to lead, and if you find yourself in a compromising situation in mixed company it can be too tempting to resist.

If you want to change her, you won't. But she will cause you to question your morals.

Proverbs 6:23-24 For their (father's instructions) command is a lamp
and their instruction a light;
their corrective discipline
is the way to life.
24It will keep you from the immoral woman,
from the smooth tongue of a wayward wife.


3. The Self-Absorbed:

This "friend" is really not a friend at all. She probably doesn't know what a true friend acts like or says, so she keeps it all about her. You will probably find yourself in the middle of a conversation you've said nothing but, "uh-huh" in response to everything she says. She doesn't care to know your heart, so she doesn't ask. This is a one-sided friendship, which by definition, isn't much of a friendship.

To continue the friendship, you must assume the role of listener, and not expect much else in response. In theory you will be her friend, but she will not be yours. For a friend listens, loves, and laughs with the other. If you want more of a reciprocal friendship, you will not find it here. And if you do want to say anything, be prepared to just interject any time she takes a breath...but don't expect her to respond to it.

In the end, this friendship will only remain on the surface. Nothing deep will be shared from her to you. You are simply her therapist; the kind of therapist that just listens and nods until the hour is up. Instead of being vitamin rich, this friendship is filled with empty calories. Time will be spent, but nothing will be gained.

If you think you will change her, you won't. Instead she will waste your time.

Proverbs 18:21 The tongue can bring death or life;
those who love to talk will reap the consequences.


4. The Depressed:

We are not talking about the depression, we may find ourselves in when we all go through sadness making our whole world blue. Temporary depression is part of the human condition when the trials of this world weighing heavily on our hearts. I'm also not talking about those clinically diagnosed with depression due to an imbalance of hormones in your body. This depression is very real.

Instead, the depressed friend is the one who is always depressed, no matter the joy and blessings occurring around her. She has allowed a temporary depression define her, for she is getting fed by how others are responding to her, and this gives her enough reason to CHOOSE to remain trapped. Everything is cause for a pity party, the "poor me...I have it so bad." Compare it to Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh, who goes through his whole life eating thistles and wagging his tail unenthusiastically only to swat away flies.

You will try to help this friend. We all do. We feel her pain; we think we're carrying her through, but in the end, she must come to grips with herself and the Lord. Ultimately, she will exhaust the string of sympathizing friends and end up alone, which is where her "come-to-Jesus" meeting is actually going to happen.

This person is craving answers for her problems that she is not willing to work out in her heart, mind, actions. So, really, she does not want to move out of the depression because the attention, sympathy, and love she receives in this state is fulfilling enough to her hurting heart.

I was given this advice from an older, wiser person: if a person comes to you for advice, then walks away without really grappling with it (thinking about it, trying it, refuting it...which will lead to the exposure of root issues), and then comes back for the same advice, do not waste your time. Redirect her to the previous conversation. Do not rehash. And do not continue to give her advice, for she is now manipulating you (and keeping the attention on herself).

If you think you will change her, you won't. Instead she will drain you.

Proverbs 13:4 Lazy people want much but get little,
but those who work hard will prosper.

Proverbs 14:23 Work brings profit,
but mere talk leads to poverty!

5. The Self-Indulgent:

This friend is able to indulge in everything life has to offer...a mani/pedi, dinners out, vacations, gifts, cars, clothes, and the list goes on. She doesn't have the normal perspective nor constraints on life, nor does she understand the limitations others must live under. She gets a babysitter when her hubby is hard at work, just so she can go out with her friends. She spends hours invested in molding and shaping her body, but no time creating deep relationships with anyone around her (hubby, kiddos, friends) except maybe with her personal trainer.

The truth is that in the self-indulgence, she's running away from pain and loneliness. A quick shopping fix will cure the heartache. If she refuses to cultivate deep friendships around her, then there is something she has to hide. All in all, this person is curing an aliment with temporary happiness caused by the things she does.

You will be her friend because she's fun and exciting. She may live the life you envy, spending without thinking about it because she's rich and able. But let me say that in the end richness does not come from money, but from the relationships we have with people.
This friendship will be shallow...but will cause you to look at your own life with disdain and a critical eye. You will become envious, dissatisfied, crabby at home, critical of your hubby, and convinced that money will be the answer to all your problems.

If you think you will change her, you won't. Instead she will monopolize you.

Proverbs 12:12 Thieves are jealous of each other's loot,
but the godly are well rooted and bear their own fruit.


6. The Perfect:

Sometimes I think this friend is one of the most appealing to us, especially if we are running around in Christian circles. Somehow we internalize the notion that if the Lord is the true Lord of our lives, then nothing bad will happen. We will marry the perfect man, who will provide the perfect salary to give us the perfect home to birth the perfect babies to be able to do all the perfect things you're "supposed to" with your perfect children. Everything is perfect. So, let's pop that bubble right now.

There is no such thing as perfect. Perfect does not exist on this side of heaven. Not even remotely close. The perfect friend who pretends she's living the perfect life is either naive to what is truly going on around her or so insecure about the imperfection that lies behind closed doors that the perfection is her facade.

You will be drawn to her because she's happy, go-lucky. She's fun...and perfect. And who doesn't want a perfect friend? But you will leave dissatisfied once again with your own life. You will convince yourself that the grass is truly greener on the other side. You will be the "what if" game...what if I didn't marry him, what if I didn't quit work, what if i didn't...and on and on the regret piles up.

Galatians 3:3 How foolish can you be? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort?

7. The Gossip:

This gal's purpose is to spread truths, half-truths, and non-truths about everyone else but herself. Do you realize gossips don't spread gossip about themselves? That would be against her whole reason behind gossiping. If you're talking about others, then you can't talk about yourself. And you can hide behind everyone else's indiscretions.

You will be friends with her because "inquiring minds want to know," right? Somehow, we women are drawn to know the inside track. We justify it as a "concern, prayer request, lesson learned from someone else's actions," but we can surround ourselves with it. We lose sight of our home, of our integrity, of the truth, of His truth. Gossip can destroy friendships, lives, reputations, futures, and faiths.

Proverbs 11:12-13 It is foolish to belittle one's neighbor;
a sensible person keeps quiet.

13 A gossip goes around telling secrets,
but those who are trustworthy can keep a confidence.

***************

Now, please do not hear me say "surround yourself with Christian friends who shouldn't do these things to you," for we are called to this world to be His light. We are called to invest, love, reach, influence non-believers for His kingdom.

However, we need to be aware. We need to be prayerful. And we need to constantly be evaluating our hearts, for our priority is not to save our "friend" (that's God's job), but to keep ourselves from becoming our "friend."

I would also contest that the stereotypical "friends" listed above are probably not true friends. For friendship is a reciprocal relationship, filled with encouragement, giving and taking, honesty, and always acts in the best interest of the other person.

At the end of the day, your priority as a Christ-follower, wife, mom, homemaker is to put those things above all others. If you find your life being monopolized by being outside the home, you need to have a heart-to-heart with God and ask Him to reveal what you're running away from. Friends are the sweetest things to happen to life...but family trumps friends, for that's how God intended it.

Here's to true friendships! I am grateful for you!!

Lots of love mamas!